Bus is poison.

Not so good ride on bus today. DH made a scene by forcing Conner on the bus. Embarrassing I am sure... for both really. Hope that Conner gets through this. Will hear it when he gets home this afternoon. Hoping tomorrow will be an easier day. Le sigh.

Second day of school is the best!

So after my own quiet time of not wanting to talk about Conner's issues, let alone reflect on them to write about it, we have been getting ready for school to start. Conner had the worst morning EVER on the first day of school. DH had to DRAG him out of bed, only after about 30 minutes of talking and trying to listen as well as put some motivation behind him. After dragging him out of bed, he had to force clothes on him and drag him to the car just to drive him to school and have a tough time separating from him. The very LEAST I can say is that we DIDN'T get first day of school pics. That just plain SUCKED!

I wasn't sure what to expect from him during school hours. I was silently waiting for a phone call from the school and hoping we didn't get one at the same time.

Well, he did great! He had a wonderful first day of school and he was excited to tell us when he got home how much fun he had. I can't tell you how much DH and I were overwhelmingly happy! (But still realistic).

The second day of school was a breeze to get him ready and out the door. He got ready himself and we all got out the door at a pretty decent time where we weren't late.  Although we couldn't get them to the bus-stop at the right time, the drop off at school went smooth. LARGE sigh of relief. Weight off the shoulders. Heaven on earth. We DID get pics that day.

Now we are waiting to see what happens when the new-ness wears off. Hoping it never does.

DH is on his own getting everyone out the door tomorrow. Hoping that all goes well. Gotta work. Not sure if I want to have my cell on me or not. Gulp.

My Fight

With all this counseling, reading and dealing with anxiety issues, I've come to an actualization.

I have always had anxiety. I will always have anxiety and my fight with anxiety will be parallel with Conner's throughout this journey.  I haven't been really anxious (only for a few odd occasions) since before I had Conner. I used to be on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds and therapy to deal with my anxiety as well. This isn't my actualization though.

My actualization is that with all of these moments of having to deal with Conner's anxiety, it has made me more anxious again. It weakens me. It brings all my anxiousness that has been gone for 9 years, back into me at full force. I am now back at a point where I wish I had a quick pill to bring my shaking hands, heavy breathing and anger down again. It makes me realize and relive what Conner is dealing with within his own mind and body. It also makes me realize that I don't have pills to pop and neither does Conner, so we both have to find ways of calming down without them together. It's a horrible feeling but I am determined that we will find our ways to deal with this in our own ways, together.

We had a very tough day at camp today. He has been going to this camp, that is only 3 hours long for the past couple days without problem. Today was very different.  His breaks got turned on. Dad is on vacation today and had a little talk about anxiety this morning with him. I have to wonder if this talk set this all up to happen in Conner's mind.

Don't feel like going into detail. It's just too freakin' painful. Don't want to relive it again. Sigh...

R.I.D.E.

Reading more from the book, I read about a technique that is our homework for the week. At least a week anyway. It's the R.I.D.E technique.


RIDE stands for: Release, Inspect, Don't struggle, Encourage.

Basicly, (but there IS more to it) it's:

Release - your mind to feel what your body feels at the moment of anxiety.
Inspect - how you feel... whether in your stomach, your head, your arms, anywhere and everywhere.
Don't struggle - let go of any urges to fight the feeling of anxiety. Most people try to make it stop but it brings on more anxiety. By not struggling, it allows you to be free from that.
Encourage - yourself to feel it MORE. Yes, MORE feelings.. MORE stomach pain or hand twitches. More of anything you feel when you are anxious.

The idea of this technique is to know that what you are feeling from anxiety won't hurt you, it just scares you to THINK it's going to hurt you. But it won't. Once the kids (and adults) understand that it won't get worse than what they feel at "Encourage" it will allow to just ACCEPT their feelings when they feel this way. To accept it is to be free from more anxiety from it.

This is our homework. I had an opportunity to use it today. Conner didn't want to go into the childcare for 45 minutes so I could workout. I really needed him to be there but used this moment for a teaching moment. There was no one older than 6 in the room (and most were under 3) but he wouldn't go in. He was really freaking out: clenching teeth and turning red and breathing hard.

I sat him outside of the room where it was quiet and started to explain the RIDE technique. Unfortunately, I couldn't remember what D and E actually stood for but I remembered the idea of them. Conner got most of it. He didn't like the idea of increasing the feelings though... but he promised that he would try it for 5 minutes and then I told him he could go sit in the Fitness office near me while I exercised. It worked... a little. I did my homework anyway. This is a start. This is good... I think. I hope. Yes, I AM hopeful. Reading more tonight on it and filling in more to Conner too.

Hope is so important.

Brewing Thoughts on Bad Feelings

So after reading more of The Anxiety-Free Child, I finally get to do some homework!  Finding what makes me happy and what makes me unhappy or anxious. Writing down both sides. Doing more of the good and less of what makes me feel bad.

I have realized a few things about myself... but i think that I need to focus on it a little more. You see, what makes me bad are things like kids screaming and fighting, not getting enough appreciation or attention from hubby, lack of financial ability to pay bills and the lack of alone time.

So how can I get more of these things to have to deal with them less? I can probably work on the alone time thing but how can I stop the kids from fighting? How can I get hubby to love me more in the way I need him to? (He already knows "how" I need his love... it still hasn't changed him much though.) There must be more to this... I must keep reading.

Now, they also want me to expose myself to MORE of my anxieties and fears... and grasp the feelings that it gives me. Now I have to think about my ACTUAL anxieties. According to the book, fear and anxiety are different in this way:

Fear: Something that you are currently feeling with a current situation you are in. (Looking at a lion in the face while very close).

Anxiety: Something that hasn't happened yet that you are already scared about. (Thinking about how you may see a lion at the zoo that you MAY look at in the face)

What am I anxious about? I must think deeper. I am SURE there is SOMETHING.

Must read more... while I work on free time schedule for myself.

Mother Care

What a reminder today of how these issues are not resolved. I am very disappointed in going to my work today to pick up my check and then decided to get a workout in. Conner usually does ok in the childcare now that he's gotten older. Well, he didn't do so well today.

He didn't eat a very good breakfast but he said he had when we were leaving. I had woken up late again after waking up at 4am and then going back to bed a couple hours later.

After 10 minutes of warmup, I see someone coming over to me and tells me that Conner said he's not feeling well. I KNEW that he was fine. I KNEW that he was just being anxious or was hungry.

He has clearly been crying. He tells me he didn't want to be there and that he had only eaten an apple and an Ensure drink (which doesn't seem to do too well for his stomach anyway). It took about 15 minutes to get him to finally eat some pretzels that I had brought for a snack. I also had to promise him that I would come back in 3 minutes to leave, and then he relaxed a little...

By the time I got back, about 5 minutes later,  he was totally fine playing with a friend. I will admit that I was really pissed that I couldn't get my medically-necessary exercise in because of his weird control/anxiety and stomach sensitivity issues. I had to suck it up as I am his mother after all. If I am not there for him, who will be?

BUT I am still VERY irritated and it has physically affected me for the rest of the day. I feel lousy, tired and snappy. I am trying hard not to be though.

Question today is... "How can I sacrifice MY health for his controlling anxiety issues and be o.k. with it?" I mean, I have anxiety too... but his anxiety overrules mine most of the time, in my head anyways. If I can't take care of myself, how can I take care of him correctly? BUT I didn't have much of an option since I couldn't leave a screaming 9 year old in a childcare with young children. Oh well. I WILL live through this day.

We all have those days.

Yesterday was a very tough day. I flipped out at sister and Conner in the car. Can't handle the arguing. This made Conner flip out and start screaming that he hates himself. As he said this I responded with another scream since I am so sick of hearing it. It seems to be a type of control tactic even though I know he is basically just expressing that he is mad at himself and I am making him feel worse. I guess.

After I raised my voice about that he stopped saying it. Sure, that helped me, but did it leave his head? I don't know. He didn't seem to have the strong grimace that he usually gets when he is trying to hold in his anger/anxieties. So, I don't think I caused anything to get worse, but I don't think I helped either.

I am still reading The Anxiety-Free Child. Haven't really found out much that I don't already know. At this point, I think George has been helping more than the book. Anything helps though. Any support is good support.

Feeling better... for now.

Conner seems to be feeling more relaxed. More rational. More himself.

It's tempting to think he's better. It's tempting to want to forget about reading more books, going to the therapist and worrying. I can't. I can't stop reading and trying because every once in a while he just regresses and is back where he was.

We had a great chat with George yesterday about some of the concerns that we have. His issues with leaving the house, his missing his Pepere and his concerns with travel. I think the best was the issues with leaving the house. Home is his safety net. He is feeling more comfortable at home, like we all do, but something in him jumps to think that he shouldn't leave.

George reminded him that you can't fit some fun things into your house. You can't fit the pond into the house. You can't fit a baseball diamond in the house. It really got him thinking.

The best benefit of having George say it is that it isn't us. We can say the same exact things but coming from a professional person who is NOT his parent, it puts it at a different level. He needs George. Although George seems to think that hubby and I can handle it all on our own with his help, I disagree... to a point. I think we need to do our part but I think he needs to be the one to lead with Conner.

Not many large issues this summer except for when hubby raises his voice to Conner. Hoping this summer will give Conner a chance to breath easier.

An Additional Attempt

So, I was thinking yesterday that if the internet made possible to find self-help programs that help with learning how to read, it also may have programs to assist with childhood anxiety. I found a program called The Anxiety-Free Child by Rich Presta. It looked like all the reviews I read were very positive about this program. It mentioned it helps with the full list of symptoms that Conner has. The symptoms that he has in his list are as follows (Note: this also includes symptoms that Conner does NOT have as well).

• Unexplained physical symptoms such as headaches and stomachaches.
• Being nervous, jittery, and hypersensitive.
• Decreased school performance or a lack of concentration.
• Avoidance of social activities or not wanting to spend as much time with friends.
• Tics, nervous habits, or compulsive behavior such as nail biting or hair pulling.
• Dangerous behavior such as cutting or drug and alcohol abuse.
• Excessive moodiness or outbursts of anger.
• Persistent worry that seems unjustified for the situation.
• Sleep changes or activity level changes.
• School avoidance or refusal.
• Being unusually or overly self-critical.
• A high need for reassurance.
• Outbursts of anger or oppositional behavior, even though you know in your heart they’re a good kid, they just have all this anxious energy coming out all wrong.

I am hoping that this program will help assist in addition to meeting up with our therapist, George.  Not sure what George will think of it but I am giving it a try anyway. It can't hurt... right?

OCD

When hubby and I met with George last time, he mentioned that there seemed to be some OCD tendencies with Conner. Like not wanting to throw anything away when he was younger. Like only wearing certain socks even though all of them are the same.

A discussion that I had with Conner this morning led me to believe this is his more current obsession. He doesn't want to like schooll right now. He needs a reason to hold on to not wanting to go even though he is starting to handle it better. It's almost like he doesn't WANT to get over it.

Where does this come from?

He was doing very well this morning but as I was leaving, he decided at the last minute he wanted to be upset that I was leaving again. It's like he's fighting something in his mind that wants to let it go. Hmmm...

Baby calling..

Knife in my heart

Conner got in trouble by me today. He's not being nice to his sister. In matter of fact, he was being VERY mean to her. I am getting sick of hearing it from him. He's saying that he can talk mean to her because he is her brother. B.S.!!!

His words... "I hate her. She loves me. So what! She is so annoying and I hate her."
"I wish I didn't have a sister", " I wish she wasn't alive.",  "I wish she wasn't a girl."

He is saying this in front of her. I can see it piercing her heart. She starts crying and runs away to the other room. I am pissed. Plain pissed. I am ready to ground him for maybe a couple years and then a few years after that.

I told Conner about how mean it is and how I don't like to hear it because it really hurts her. I told him that God doesn't like it either and that God wants us to be loving to everyone even if he "hates" someone. I told him "hate" is a very strong word. I told him that I was insulted as well since I am a girl. Nothing seemed to help.  He still stood by his words that he hated her.

He started getting so mad at himself he started saying that he is stupid and he wants to die. He started punching things and even punched himself once.

We talked about how WHAT he says is different than WHO he is. What he says may be mean but that doesn't mean HE is a mean person. He is one of the nicest kids in school and he knows it. He is gentle and kind... most of the time and to most people.

Next time I went in his room he asked for a knife. My heart hurts.

He eventually calmed down a little after playing in his bed with some legos for a while. He lightened up once he was in his happy place for a few minutes. I couldn't get him to apologize for the life of me but I didn't push it by the end. I knew he was confused. I knew he was irritated at his sister. I knew that she was the easiest victim that he could take his frustrations out on. I also knew that I can't allow him to treat her like that.

That knife is still in my heart.

On our own

Hubby and I went to a meeting with George. Just him and I. Not Conner. No baby interrupting us either. It was nice. BUT I wasn't really ready to hear what he had to say.

We chatted about Conner's anxieties in more description since he wasn't there. We talked about his past with not being able to allow us to throw things away. About how he is VERY particular about his socks and tags. About his rages and what he says while he's raging.


George made it very clear that we must try to expose him to more and more fears of his and talk to him about the lion vs the chipmunk. He gave us some ideas as to how to incorporate drawing with fears he has and how to make these fears more approachable. He also said... he only wants to meet us from now on. GULP!

I am still not sure exactly how I feel about this. I think Conner feels good knowing that someone is there to get him through these fears other than his parents and teachers. I also understand that the best therapy for these anxieties involve the parents in a very interactive way. I just wasn't ready to hear that he just wants to meet with us... only. Wow, that scares me.

Although he implied and I think even said that he thinks we are a very capable couple, I still have my doubts. He asked about any large stresses going on at home or close to home. My sister going through a wretched divorce was one of the largest things I could think of. Hubby and I have been going through a bit of a struggle (really just stressed and taking it out on each other by being snappy) and it may be showing through and reflecting on Conner.

Our homework is to talk about positive future events that imply to Conner that we will be together for a long time without just saying it. Talk about future trips or future plans. Cuddle more and help him feel more secure. Spend more one-on-one time with him and give him the extra attention he needs. I am a little overwhelmed even though this sounds pretty simple. Will this help him? He's been getting a little better on his own since the end of the year is coming up and he's looking forward to it. Bad timing for the end of the year if you ask me.

Yes, I feel like we are on our own. No, George didn't leave us. He might, however, trust us a little too much...

S.A.D.

Yup. Separation anxiety is pretty much confirmed. We haven't talked to George about it but according to a website that I found the most helpful over any others, this is pretty much it.

http://www.minddisorders.com/Py-Z/Separation-anxiety-disorder.html

I am a little concerned since there seems to be no quick cure for Separation Anxiety Disorder. It will take a lot of time. Patience and pain.


Hubby and I are looking forward to meeting with George alone (without Connor) in a couple days and hopefully get some tools that will help us with him.

I really am feeling that some of the anxiety may be related to a schedule that is too busy as well as a long school day. How are we to deal with this? I guess we will find out...

New Thoughts.

So, last week wasn't so bad by the end. Although Conner did tell me he cried on Friday afternoon, he still stayed all day. I am starting to wonder what other anxieties are adding to this.

Separation anxiety? Well, here are some traits of separation anxiety:

(From http://www.anxietybc.com/parent/separation.php )

Key Points:

• Approximately 12% of children will suffer from Separation Anxiety Disorder before they reach age 18.
• Separation Anxiety Disorder has three peaks: between ages 5-6, 7-9, and 12-14.

Physical Symptoms include: stomach aches, dizziness, racing heart, shallow breathing and other common physical complaints associated with anxiety. Teens are also likely to complain of headaches, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, or having a panic attack.

Hint: The timing of these physical complaints is often a good clue to identify separation anxiety. For example, parents may hear these complaints on the morning of a school day, but not on the weekend.

Anxious thoughts include: a variety of different worries about separation or being alone. Younger children may not be able to identify any specific worries, and instead just say that they do not want to do an activity. Older children and teens may describe worries about something "bad" happening, either to them or to a parent/caregiver.

I don't know. I am up in the air. I am starting to think about homeschooling again but hubby doesn't like the idea because he seems to think it's running. I kind of do too, BUT given that I would have been homeschooling still if I didn't have to work days a couple years ago, makes me think differently.

I love his school though. I also don't want HIM to think it's running or an escape from reality.
Gotta go baby crying!

Running from the Lion

Let's put it this way. NOT GOOD!

It was the first day back to school from a week's vacation. Conner was an anxious mess from the second hubby told him on Sunday. He was throwing raging fits in the afternoon and said he was NOT going and that he was going to die.

That night, when I got home from work, he was worse. He was turning red in the face with rage, couldn't stop to breath and WOULDN'T stop to breath. He didn't want to. He HATED school. He said WE hated him. He was going to DIE or he was going to end it all himself!!! He didn't understand why we were such wretched parents that we would MAKE him go to a place that he despised so much.

We tried SO hard to stay calm. We tried to hold him. Tried to talk to him. Tried to listen to him. Nothing worked but we couldn't just ignore him either. It wasn't good. Just NOT good.

The next morning was worse. Screaming and crying all the way to school - again without hair brushed or teeth brushed. Barely any breakfast, if at all. My daughter ended up going into her classroom without me (which has never happened since she's only in K) and I sat with Conner for almost an hour in the van. I finally asked his teacher to call the school counselor to help me.

She came down pretty quickly and right away he started calming down and talking a little to her. She somehow lured him with a soft voice into the building. I went with him, holding his hand up to the main doors and let go after a few hugs that he clenched me with.

Right as my almost 9-year-old walked into the building, and only after I looked back a few times to make sure he wasn't going to run back out to me, I started balling so hard from the pain that I could feel from the past 24 hours.

I wasn't crying because I thought I did anything wrong. I wasn't even really crying because of his fear. I was crying because of my fear. My fear that Conner doesn't feel good about himself. My fear that he is hurting so bad that he could hurt himself. My fear that the first TRUE love of my life could leave me someday because of this curse that, most likely, my genes gave him. My fear that my beautiful, sweet, smart and wonderful little boy may someday kill himself because he is hurting so much.

I can't even write this without relentlessly pooling tears on my sweater just to absorb near my heart.

Conner got through the day. I picked him up and he seemed ok. Not great. Just ok. I held him so hard and told him how brave I was of him.

The next days following progressively got better. Thank God.

The Lion and The Chipmunk

First meeting was a wonderful meeting. It was a pretty good day for Conner (since he was on a week's vacation from school) and we were both anxious to start healing permanently. George was much more tender than I expected but it was a good thing. He had a gentle voice, very gentle mannerisms and was easy to talk to for Conner.

Conner like him a lot.

George asked many questions for Conner to answer and asked for my input as well. Such as, "Why don't you like school, Conner?", and "So, you can't say the V-word(vomit) and P-word (puke). How does it make you feel when someone says them?".

Conner liked being treated respectfully by this important adult.

George then started talking about how people used to have to either run or fight from predators when we were cavemen. He asked who Conner thought ended up living long enough to have a family... the ones that fought or the ones that ran. Conner said the ones that fought. George said it was the ones that ran since the ones that fought didn't survive half the time. I really thought it was interesting where he was going.

George managed to turn this into a story of how sometimes people think a lion is actually chipmunk. They run so fast and don't look back to see that it's NOT a lion. He continued on a little more in detail about this story. He had Conner's FULL attention (as I was running around the room after my two year at this point).

George also explained ribbon breathing to Conner. Basically, very slow breathing and picturing a ribbon coming out of your mouth as you exhale. It was a great tool to go home with.

We scheduled for week later and Conner was happy. Conner loved this guy! We went home with happy hearts.

George, our friend.

About two months ago Conner started having fits when he came home from school. Then, he started to give us a VERY hard time about going to school in the morning. When he started threatening suicide we knew there was something serious going on.

He is a very reasonable child MOST of the time. So somehow, through talking and more talking, we understood that there were many things he didn't like about school but the biggest problem was when everyone started to get sick at school. Yes, the stomach bug was going around. Kids were dropping out of school like flies and Conner knew it.

No matter what tools we gave him, like washing his hands, hand sanitizer in his pocket and looking up how to stay healthy online, he still wasn't going to go to school without a SEVERE fight every morning. When we finally DID get him to school, he would just go into the bathroom and cry for close to an hour. This happened for weeks. The teachers knew it and they helped a lot but it was torture for us. Hubby and I got so emotionally wiped that I would just start crying over the general mention of Conner and school.

It doesn't sound that out of the norm for some kids to fight going to school. In matter of fact, there were times previously that he had fought us simply because he would rather be home, doing whatever he wanted to do, in a safe and happy, nurturing environment. We had decided long ago that we couldn't home school anymore and we couldn't go back for multiple reasons. (Although I really miss home-schooling still).  These morning fights were different.

Before he would go to bed, he would obsess about school and cry until he fell asleep. Then we try to get him out of bed and he wouldn't but instead just cry and fight and scream and tell us he "would rather die than go to school!".  Hubby would eventually pick him out of his bunk bed and force him to get clothes on while kicking and screaming at the top of his lungs with red face and all. It was SO painful for us but we knew we had to do it. Eventually we would get him in the car, most of the time without breakfast (although we would bring something for him to eat on the way), without his hair or teeth being brushed. Everything was physical forcing. Nothing was easy and usually I would quietly break down in the car and try to clear up before we got to school.  It usually wasn't until he was 2 minutes from school that he would eat his quick breakfast and start either talking to me or telling me a little calmer that he wasn't going in.

Teachers recommended therapy. We took the recommendation. We got George.

I researched as much online as I could about some somewhat local therapists who seem to specialize in childhood anxieties and family matters. George had a nice bio and a nice face so we gave him a try. We explained to Conner that he would give Conner some good tools to use in facing his fear of getting sick. Conner was all for it. George was our friend.

Starting of a New Day

Here we are. Starting a new chapter in our lives. With three children, oldest being 8, youngest being 2, I am ready to fight the fight I knew I would need to years ago. Childhood Anxiety.

My oldest has been fighting anxiety disorders, I swear, since he was born into this world. It started with a hard time coming into this world, although I don't know if that had an effect on what he deals with today. I had high blood pressure during the end of my pregnancy with him and he came out holding his breath. He eventually started screaming but wouldn't even think about taking a breath of the oxygen they were holding up to his nose until he almost passed out. Yes, this was the first moments of his life.

He was so small that he couldn't feed on his own without falling asleep so we stayed in the hospital for 2 weeks. We got to go home on September 11, the day of his original due date and the first day he was back to his birth weight at 5lbs, 5oz.

Throughout his life, we have had to deal with the "normal" (after all, what IS normal anyways) dealings of a child with a little extra attached.

- Severe Reflux - (yes, projectile, which we have many funny stories about as well)

- Colic in the middle of the night on many occasions

- Holding breath until passing out (only when hurt)

- phobias about throwing garbage away (which also led us to more recycling)

- highly sensitive responses to doing things wrong the first time

- and now, puking phobia, general anxiety and rage outbursts with talks of suicide.

Yes, my child is only 8. Did I do this to him? I like to think not. I have only given him the best of me since he was born. I home-schooled him through kindergarten (minus a year at a Montessori preschool) and have read many books on gentle parenting. Unfortunately, I also have had some of these anxieties that he is experiencing so if I gave it to him, it's through just being my son.

So he now goes to an income-based, private school in the woods where they focus on mutual respect, kindness and nature. It's a very "earthy" school on the same grounds as an Ashram, although non-denominational. We love this school and they have helped us SO much in the past couple years in many ways, but the most being just in the past couple months with these anxiety issues.

My son's name is Conner for the sake of this blog. And I am writing our story of healing.