- Unexplained physical symptoms such as headaches and stomachaches.
- Being nervous, jittery, and hypersensitive.
- Decreased school performance or a lack of concentration.
- Avoidance of social activities or not wanting to spend as much time with friends.
- Tics, nervous habits, or compulsive behavior such as nail biting or hair pulling.
- Dangerous behavior such as cutting or drug and alcohol abuse.
- Excessive moodiness or outbursts of anger.
- Persistent worry that seems unjustified for the situation.
- Sleep changes or activity level changes.
- School avoidance or refusal.
- Being unusually or overly self-critical.
- A high need for reassurance.
- Outbursts of anger or oppositional behavior, even though you know in your heart they’re a good kid, they just have all this anxious energy coming out all wrong.
Monday, May 30, 2011
An Additional Attempt
So, I was thinking yesterday that if the internet made possible to find self-help programs that help with learning how to read, it also may have programs to assist with childhood anxiety. I found a program called The Anxiety-Free Child by Rich Presta. It looked like all the reviews I read were very positive about this program. It mentioned it helps with the full list of symptoms that Conner has. The symptoms that he has in his list are as follows (Note: this also includes symptoms that Conner does NOT have as well).
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
OCD
When hubby and I met with George last time, he mentioned that there seemed to be some OCD tendencies with Conner. Like not wanting to throw anything away when he was younger. Like only wearing certain socks even though all of them are the same.
A discussion that I had with Conner this morning led me to believe this is his more current obsession. He doesn't want to like schooll right now. He needs a reason to hold on to not wanting to go even though he is starting to handle it better. It's almost like he doesn't WANT to get over it.
Where does this come from?
He was doing very well this morning but as I was leaving, he decided at the last minute he wanted to be upset that I was leaving again. It's like he's fighting something in his mind that wants to let it go. Hmmm...
Baby calling..
A discussion that I had with Conner this morning led me to believe this is his more current obsession. He doesn't want to like schooll right now. He needs a reason to hold on to not wanting to go even though he is starting to handle it better. It's almost like he doesn't WANT to get over it.
Where does this come from?
He was doing very well this morning but as I was leaving, he decided at the last minute he wanted to be upset that I was leaving again. It's like he's fighting something in his mind that wants to let it go. Hmmm...
Baby calling..
Friday, May 20, 2011
Knife in my heart
Conner got in trouble by me today. He's not being nice to his sister. In matter of fact, he was being VERY mean to her. I am getting sick of hearing it from him. He's saying that he can talk mean to her because he is her brother. B.S.!!!
His words... "I hate her. She loves me. So what! She is so annoying and I hate her."
"I wish I didn't have a sister", " I wish she wasn't alive.", "I wish she wasn't a girl."
He is saying this in front of her. I can see it piercing her heart. She starts crying and runs away to the other room. I am pissed. Plain pissed. I am ready to ground him for maybe a couple years and then a few years after that.
I told Conner about how mean it is and how I don't like to hear it because it really hurts her. I told him that God doesn't like it either and that God wants us to be loving to everyone even if he "hates" someone. I told him "hate" is a very strong word. I told him that I was insulted as well since I am a girl. Nothing seemed to help. He still stood by his words that he hated her.
He started getting so mad at himself he started saying that he is stupid and he wants to die. He started punching things and even punched himself once.
We talked about how WHAT he says is different than WHO he is. What he says may be mean but that doesn't mean HE is a mean person. He is one of the nicest kids in school and he knows it. He is gentle and kind... most of the time and to most people.
Next time I went in his room he asked for a knife. My heart hurts.
He eventually calmed down a little after playing in his bed with some legos for a while. He lightened up once he was in his happy place for a few minutes. I couldn't get him to apologize for the life of me but I didn't push it by the end. I knew he was confused. I knew he was irritated at his sister. I knew that she was the easiest victim that he could take his frustrations out on. I also knew that I can't allow him to treat her like that.
That knife is still in my heart.
His words... "I hate her. She loves me. So what! She is so annoying and I hate her."
"I wish I didn't have a sister", " I wish she wasn't alive.", "I wish she wasn't a girl."
He is saying this in front of her. I can see it piercing her heart. She starts crying and runs away to the other room. I am pissed. Plain pissed. I am ready to ground him for maybe a couple years and then a few years after that.
I told Conner about how mean it is and how I don't like to hear it because it really hurts her. I told him that God doesn't like it either and that God wants us to be loving to everyone even if he "hates" someone. I told him "hate" is a very strong word. I told him that I was insulted as well since I am a girl. Nothing seemed to help. He still stood by his words that he hated her.
He started getting so mad at himself he started saying that he is stupid and he wants to die. He started punching things and even punched himself once.
We talked about how WHAT he says is different than WHO he is. What he says may be mean but that doesn't mean HE is a mean person. He is one of the nicest kids in school and he knows it. He is gentle and kind... most of the time and to most people.
Next time I went in his room he asked for a knife. My heart hurts.
He eventually calmed down a little after playing in his bed with some legos for a while. He lightened up once he was in his happy place for a few minutes. I couldn't get him to apologize for the life of me but I didn't push it by the end. I knew he was confused. I knew he was irritated at his sister. I knew that she was the easiest victim that he could take his frustrations out on. I also knew that I can't allow him to treat her like that.
That knife is still in my heart.
On our own
Hubby and I went to a meeting with George. Just him and I. Not Conner. No baby interrupting us either. It was nice. BUT I wasn't really ready to hear what he had to say.
We chatted about Conner's anxieties in more description since he wasn't there. We talked about his past with not being able to allow us to throw things away. About how he is VERY particular about his socks and tags. About his rages and what he says while he's raging.
George made it very clear that we must try to expose him to more and more fears of his and talk to him about the lion vs the chipmunk. He gave us some ideas as to how to incorporate drawing with fears he has and how to make these fears more approachable. He also said... he only wants to meet us from now on. GULP!
I am still not sure exactly how I feel about this. I think Conner feels good knowing that someone is there to get him through these fears other than his parents and teachers. I also understand that the best therapy for these anxieties involve the parents in a very interactive way. I just wasn't ready to hear that he just wants to meet with us... only. Wow, that scares me.
Although he implied and I think even said that he thinks we are a very capable couple, I still have my doubts. He asked about any large stresses going on at home or close to home. My sister going through a wretched divorce was one of the largest things I could think of. Hubby and I have been going through a bit of a struggle (really just stressed and taking it out on each other by being snappy) and it may be showing through and reflecting on Conner.
Our homework is to talk about positive future events that imply to Conner that we will be together for a long time without just saying it. Talk about future trips or future plans. Cuddle more and help him feel more secure. Spend more one-on-one time with him and give him the extra attention he needs. I am a little overwhelmed even though this sounds pretty simple. Will this help him? He's been getting a little better on his own since the end of the year is coming up and he's looking forward to it. Bad timing for the end of the year if you ask me.
Yes, I feel like we are on our own. No, George didn't leave us. He might, however, trust us a little too much...
We chatted about Conner's anxieties in more description since he wasn't there. We talked about his past with not being able to allow us to throw things away. About how he is VERY particular about his socks and tags. About his rages and what he says while he's raging.
George made it very clear that we must try to expose him to more and more fears of his and talk to him about the lion vs the chipmunk. He gave us some ideas as to how to incorporate drawing with fears he has and how to make these fears more approachable. He also said... he only wants to meet us from now on. GULP!
I am still not sure exactly how I feel about this. I think Conner feels good knowing that someone is there to get him through these fears other than his parents and teachers. I also understand that the best therapy for these anxieties involve the parents in a very interactive way. I just wasn't ready to hear that he just wants to meet with us... only. Wow, that scares me.
Although he implied and I think even said that he thinks we are a very capable couple, I still have my doubts. He asked about any large stresses going on at home or close to home. My sister going through a wretched divorce was one of the largest things I could think of. Hubby and I have been going through a bit of a struggle (really just stressed and taking it out on each other by being snappy) and it may be showing through and reflecting on Conner.
Our homework is to talk about positive future events that imply to Conner that we will be together for a long time without just saying it. Talk about future trips or future plans. Cuddle more and help him feel more secure. Spend more one-on-one time with him and give him the extra attention he needs. I am a little overwhelmed even though this sounds pretty simple. Will this help him? He's been getting a little better on his own since the end of the year is coming up and he's looking forward to it. Bad timing for the end of the year if you ask me.
Yes, I feel like we are on our own. No, George didn't leave us. He might, however, trust us a little too much...
Monday, May 16, 2011
S.A.D.
Yup. Separation anxiety is pretty much confirmed. We haven't talked to George about it but according to a website that I found the most helpful over any others, this is pretty much it.
http://www.minddisorders.com/Py-Z/Separation-anxiety-disorder.html
I am a little concerned since there seems to be no quick cure for Separation Anxiety Disorder. It will take a lot of time. Patience and pain.
Hubby and I are looking forward to meeting with George alone (without Connor) in a couple days and hopefully get some tools that will help us with him.
I really am feeling that some of the anxiety may be related to a schedule that is too busy as well as a long school day. How are we to deal with this? I guess we will find out...
http://www.minddisorders.com/Py-Z/Separation-anxiety-disorder.html
I am a little concerned since there seems to be no quick cure for Separation Anxiety Disorder. It will take a lot of time. Patience and pain.
Hubby and I are looking forward to meeting with George alone (without Connor) in a couple days and hopefully get some tools that will help us with him.
I really am feeling that some of the anxiety may be related to a schedule that is too busy as well as a long school day. How are we to deal with this? I guess we will find out...
Monday, May 9, 2011
New Thoughts.
So, last week wasn't so bad by the end. Although Conner did tell me he cried on Friday afternoon, he still stayed all day. I am starting to wonder what other anxieties are adding to this.
Separation anxiety? Well, here are some traits of separation anxiety:
I don't know. I am up in the air. I am starting to think about homeschooling again but hubby doesn't like the idea because he seems to think it's running. I kind of do too, BUT given that I would have been homeschooling still if I didn't have to work days a couple years ago, makes me think differently.
I love his school though. I also don't want HIM to think it's running or an escape from reality.
Gotta go baby crying!
Separation anxiety? Well, here are some traits of separation anxiety:
(From http://www.anxietybc.com/parent/separation.php )
Key Points:
- Approximately 12% of children will suffer from Separation Anxiety Disorder before they reach age 18.
- Separation Anxiety Disorder has three peaks: between ages 5-6, 7-9, and 12-14.
Physical Symptoms include: stomach aches, dizziness, racing heart, shallow breathing and other common physical complaints associated with anxiety. Teens are also likely to complain of headaches, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, or having a panic attack.
Hint: The timing of these physical complaints is often a good clue to identify separation anxiety. For example, parents may hear these complaints on the morning of a school day, but not on the weekend.
Anxious thoughts include: a variety of different worries about separation or being alone. Younger children may not be able to identify any specific worries, and instead just say that they do not want to do an activity. Older children and teens may describe worries about something "bad" happening, either to them or to a parent/caregiver.
I love his school though. I also don't want HIM to think it's running or an escape from reality.
Gotta go baby crying!
Friday, May 6, 2011
Running from the Lion
Let's put it this way. NOT GOOD!
It was the first day back to school from a week's vacation. Conner was an anxious mess from the second hubby told him on Sunday. He was throwing raging fits in the afternoon and said he was NOT going and that he was going to die.
That night, when I got home from work, he was worse. He was turning red in the face with rage, couldn't stop to breath and WOULDN'T stop to breath. He didn't want to. He HATED school. He said WE hated him. He was going to DIE or he was going to end it all himself!!! He didn't understand why we were such wretched parents that we would MAKE him go to a place that he despised so much.
We tried SO hard to stay calm. We tried to hold him. Tried to talk to him. Tried to listen to him. Nothing worked but we couldn't just ignore him either. It wasn't good. Just NOT good.
The next morning was worse. Screaming and crying all the way to school - again without hair brushed or teeth brushed. Barely any breakfast, if at all. My daughter ended up going into her classroom without me (which has never happened since she's only in K) and I sat with Conner for almost an hour in the van. I finally asked his teacher to call the school counselor to help me.
She came down pretty quickly and right away he started calming down and talking a little to her. She somehow lured him with a soft voice into the building. I went with him, holding his hand up to the main doors and let go after a few hugs that he clenched me with.
Right as my almost 9-year-old walked into the building, and only after I looked back a few times to make sure he wasn't going to run back out to me, I started balling so hard from the pain that I could feel from the past 24 hours.
I wasn't crying because I thought I did anything wrong. I wasn't even really crying because of his fear. I was crying because of my fear. My fear that Conner doesn't feel good about himself. My fear that he is hurting so bad that he could hurt himself. My fear that the first TRUE love of my life could leave me someday because of this curse that, most likely, my genes gave him. My fear that my beautiful, sweet, smart and wonderful little boy may someday kill himself because he is hurting so much.
I can't even write this without relentlessly pooling tears on my sweater just to absorb near my heart.
Conner got through the day. I picked him up and he seemed ok. Not great. Just ok. I held him so hard and told him how brave I was of him.
The next days following progressively got better. Thank God.
It was the first day back to school from a week's vacation. Conner was an anxious mess from the second hubby told him on Sunday. He was throwing raging fits in the afternoon and said he was NOT going and that he was going to die.
That night, when I got home from work, he was worse. He was turning red in the face with rage, couldn't stop to breath and WOULDN'T stop to breath. He didn't want to. He HATED school. He said WE hated him. He was going to DIE or he was going to end it all himself!!! He didn't understand why we were such wretched parents that we would MAKE him go to a place that he despised so much.
We tried SO hard to stay calm. We tried to hold him. Tried to talk to him. Tried to listen to him. Nothing worked but we couldn't just ignore him either. It wasn't good. Just NOT good.
The next morning was worse. Screaming and crying all the way to school - again without hair brushed or teeth brushed. Barely any breakfast, if at all. My daughter ended up going into her classroom without me (which has never happened since she's only in K) and I sat with Conner for almost an hour in the van. I finally asked his teacher to call the school counselor to help me.
She came down pretty quickly and right away he started calming down and talking a little to her. She somehow lured him with a soft voice into the building. I went with him, holding his hand up to the main doors and let go after a few hugs that he clenched me with.
Right as my almost 9-year-old walked into the building, and only after I looked back a few times to make sure he wasn't going to run back out to me, I started balling so hard from the pain that I could feel from the past 24 hours.
I wasn't crying because I thought I did anything wrong. I wasn't even really crying because of his fear. I was crying because of my fear. My fear that Conner doesn't feel good about himself. My fear that he is hurting so bad that he could hurt himself. My fear that the first TRUE love of my life could leave me someday because of this curse that, most likely, my genes gave him. My fear that my beautiful, sweet, smart and wonderful little boy may someday kill himself because he is hurting so much.
I can't even write this without relentlessly pooling tears on my sweater just to absorb near my heart.
Conner got through the day. I picked him up and he seemed ok. Not great. Just ok. I held him so hard and told him how brave I was of him.
The next days following progressively got better. Thank God.
The Lion and The Chipmunk
First meeting was a wonderful meeting. It was a pretty good day for Conner (since he was on a week's vacation from school) and we were both anxious to start healing permanently. George was much more tender than I expected but it was a good thing. He had a gentle voice, very gentle mannerisms and was easy to talk to for Conner.
Conner like him a lot.
George asked many questions for Conner to answer and asked for my input as well. Such as, "Why don't you like school, Conner?", and "So, you can't say the V-word(vomit) and P-word (puke). How does it make you feel when someone says them?".
Conner liked being treated respectfully by this important adult.
George then started talking about how people used to have to either run or fight from predators when we were cavemen. He asked who Conner thought ended up living long enough to have a family... the ones that fought or the ones that ran. Conner said the ones that fought. George said it was the ones that ran since the ones that fought didn't survive half the time. I really thought it was interesting where he was going.
George managed to turn this into a story of how sometimes people think a lion is actually chipmunk. They run so fast and don't look back to see that it's NOT a lion. He continued on a little more in detail about this story. He had Conner's FULL attention (as I was running around the room after my two year at this point).
George also explained ribbon breathing to Conner. Basically, very slow breathing and picturing a ribbon coming out of your mouth as you exhale. It was a great tool to go home with.
We scheduled for week later and Conner was happy. Conner loved this guy! We went home with happy hearts.
Conner like him a lot.
George asked many questions for Conner to answer and asked for my input as well. Such as, "Why don't you like school, Conner?", and "So, you can't say the V-word(vomit) and P-word (puke). How does it make you feel when someone says them?".
Conner liked being treated respectfully by this important adult.
George then started talking about how people used to have to either run or fight from predators when we were cavemen. He asked who Conner thought ended up living long enough to have a family... the ones that fought or the ones that ran. Conner said the ones that fought. George said it was the ones that ran since the ones that fought didn't survive half the time. I really thought it was interesting where he was going.
George managed to turn this into a story of how sometimes people think a lion is actually chipmunk. They run so fast and don't look back to see that it's NOT a lion. He continued on a little more in detail about this story. He had Conner's FULL attention (as I was running around the room after my two year at this point).
George also explained ribbon breathing to Conner. Basically, very slow breathing and picturing a ribbon coming out of your mouth as you exhale. It was a great tool to go home with.
We scheduled for week later and Conner was happy. Conner loved this guy! We went home with happy hearts.
George, our friend.
About two months ago Conner started having fits when he came home from school. Then, he started to give us a VERY hard time about going to school in the morning. When he started threatening suicide we knew there was something serious going on.
He is a very reasonable child MOST of the time. So somehow, through talking and more talking, we understood that there were many things he didn't like about school but the biggest problem was when everyone started to get sick at school. Yes, the stomach bug was going around. Kids were dropping out of school like flies and Conner knew it.
No matter what tools we gave him, like washing his hands, hand sanitizer in his pocket and looking up how to stay healthy online, he still wasn't going to go to school without a SEVERE fight every morning. When we finally DID get him to school, he would just go into the bathroom and cry for close to an hour. This happened for weeks. The teachers knew it and they helped a lot but it was torture for us. Hubby and I got so emotionally wiped that I would just start crying over the general mention of Conner and school.
It doesn't sound that out of the norm for some kids to fight going to school. In matter of fact, there were times previously that he had fought us simply because he would rather be home, doing whatever he wanted to do, in a safe and happy, nurturing environment. We had decided long ago that we couldn't home school anymore and we couldn't go back for multiple reasons. (Although I really miss home-schooling still). These morning fights were different.
Before he would go to bed, he would obsess about school and cry until he fell asleep. Then we try to get him out of bed and he wouldn't but instead just cry and fight and scream and tell us he "would rather die than go to school!". Hubby would eventually pick him out of his bunk bed and force him to get clothes on while kicking and screaming at the top of his lungs with red face and all. It was SO painful for us but we knew we had to do it. Eventually we would get him in the car, most of the time without breakfast (although we would bring something for him to eat on the way), without his hair or teeth being brushed. Everything was physical forcing. Nothing was easy and usually I would quietly break down in the car and try to clear up before we got to school. It usually wasn't until he was 2 minutes from school that he would eat his quick breakfast and start either talking to me or telling me a little calmer that he wasn't going in.
Teachers recommended therapy. We took the recommendation. We got George.
I researched as much online as I could about some somewhat local therapists who seem to specialize in childhood anxieties and family matters. George had a nice bio and a nice face so we gave him a try. We explained to Conner that he would give Conner some good tools to use in facing his fear of getting sick. Conner was all for it. George was our friend.
He is a very reasonable child MOST of the time. So somehow, through talking and more talking, we understood that there were many things he didn't like about school but the biggest problem was when everyone started to get sick at school. Yes, the stomach bug was going around. Kids were dropping out of school like flies and Conner knew it.
No matter what tools we gave him, like washing his hands, hand sanitizer in his pocket and looking up how to stay healthy online, he still wasn't going to go to school without a SEVERE fight every morning. When we finally DID get him to school, he would just go into the bathroom and cry for close to an hour. This happened for weeks. The teachers knew it and they helped a lot but it was torture for us. Hubby and I got so emotionally wiped that I would just start crying over the general mention of Conner and school.
It doesn't sound that out of the norm for some kids to fight going to school. In matter of fact, there were times previously that he had fought us simply because he would rather be home, doing whatever he wanted to do, in a safe and happy, nurturing environment. We had decided long ago that we couldn't home school anymore and we couldn't go back for multiple reasons. (Although I really miss home-schooling still). These morning fights were different.
Before he would go to bed, he would obsess about school and cry until he fell asleep. Then we try to get him out of bed and he wouldn't but instead just cry and fight and scream and tell us he "would rather die than go to school!". Hubby would eventually pick him out of his bunk bed and force him to get clothes on while kicking and screaming at the top of his lungs with red face and all. It was SO painful for us but we knew we had to do it. Eventually we would get him in the car, most of the time without breakfast (although we would bring something for him to eat on the way), without his hair or teeth being brushed. Everything was physical forcing. Nothing was easy and usually I would quietly break down in the car and try to clear up before we got to school. It usually wasn't until he was 2 minutes from school that he would eat his quick breakfast and start either talking to me or telling me a little calmer that he wasn't going in.
Teachers recommended therapy. We took the recommendation. We got George.
I researched as much online as I could about some somewhat local therapists who seem to specialize in childhood anxieties and family matters. George had a nice bio and a nice face so we gave him a try. We explained to Conner that he would give Conner some good tools to use in facing his fear of getting sick. Conner was all for it. George was our friend.
Starting of a New Day
Here we are. Starting a new chapter in our lives. With three children, oldest being 8, youngest being 2, I am ready to fight the fight I knew I would need to years ago. Childhood Anxiety.
My oldest has been fighting anxiety disorders, I swear, since he was born into this world. It started with a hard time coming into this world, although I don't know if that had an effect on what he deals with today. I had high blood pressure during the end of my pregnancy with him and he came out holding his breath. He eventually started screaming but wouldn't even think about taking a breath of the oxygen they were holding up to his nose until he almost passed out. Yes, this was the first moments of his life.
He was so small that he couldn't feed on his own without falling asleep so we stayed in the hospital for 2 weeks. We got to go home on September 11, the day of his original due date and the first day he was back to his birth weight at 5lbs, 5oz.
Throughout his life, we have had to deal with the "normal" (after all, what IS normal anyways) dealings of a child with a little extra attached.
Yes, my child is only 8. Did I do this to him? I like to think not. I have only given him the best of me since he was born. I home-schooled him through kindergarten (minus a year at a Montessori preschool) and have read many books on gentle parenting. Unfortunately, I also have had some of these anxieties that he is experiencing so if I gave it to him, it's through just being my son.
So he now goes to an income-based, private school in the woods where they focus on mutual respect, kindness and nature. It's a very "earthy" school on the same grounds as an Ashram, although non-denominational. We love this school and they have helped us SO much in the past couple years in many ways, but the most being just in the past couple months with these anxiety issues.
My son's name is Conner for the sake of this blog. And I am writing our story of healing.
My oldest has been fighting anxiety disorders, I swear, since he was born into this world. It started with a hard time coming into this world, although I don't know if that had an effect on what he deals with today. I had high blood pressure during the end of my pregnancy with him and he came out holding his breath. He eventually started screaming but wouldn't even think about taking a breath of the oxygen they were holding up to his nose until he almost passed out. Yes, this was the first moments of his life.
He was so small that he couldn't feed on his own without falling asleep so we stayed in the hospital for 2 weeks. We got to go home on September 11, the day of his original due date and the first day he was back to his birth weight at 5lbs, 5oz.
Throughout his life, we have had to deal with the "normal" (after all, what IS normal anyways) dealings of a child with a little extra attached.
- Severe Reflux - (yes, projectile, which we have many funny stories about as well)
- Colic in the middle of the night on many occasions
- Holding breath until passing out (only when hurt)
- phobias about throwing garbage away (which also led us to more recycling)
- highly sensitive responses to doing things wrong the first time
- and now, puking phobia, general anxiety and rage outbursts with talks of suicide.
Yes, my child is only 8. Did I do this to him? I like to think not. I have only given him the best of me since he was born. I home-schooled him through kindergarten (minus a year at a Montessori preschool) and have read many books on gentle parenting. Unfortunately, I also have had some of these anxieties that he is experiencing so if I gave it to him, it's through just being my son.
So he now goes to an income-based, private school in the woods where they focus on mutual respect, kindness and nature. It's a very "earthy" school on the same grounds as an Ashram, although non-denominational. We love this school and they have helped us SO much in the past couple years in many ways, but the most being just in the past couple months with these anxiety issues.
My son's name is Conner for the sake of this blog. And I am writing our story of healing.
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