It's been a while.

So Connor is 11 now. After therapy and therapy and more therapy... He is so much more confident and happy. His personality hasn't changed. He's still nervous about a lot of small things. He even still gets scared when someone says they don't feel good. But he can handle it. He breathes when he gets really upset and he has the tools to be able to cope. 

I also got us a cd of positive affirmations to be able to listen to that focuses on self esteem and confidence. It is truly amazing. 

We still have small ups and downs but it's not half... Not even an eighth as bad as it was. The bus isn't a problem. The kids at school don't bother him. It helps that one child that bullied him finally got kicked out due to academic reasons. I can't say it broke my heart. 

Things always get better. 

Things always get better. 

As long as he truly understands that we are in charge of our happiness and that we can't let our fears control us then he will be fine. I do think he understands this now even if only a little. A little means a lot in this case. 

Until next time. 

Bus is poison.

Not so good ride on bus today. DH made a scene by forcing Conner on the bus. Embarrassing I am sure... for both really. Hope that Conner gets through this. Will hear it when he gets home this afternoon. Hoping tomorrow will be an easier day. Le sigh.

Second day of school is the best!

So after my own quiet time of not wanting to talk about Conner's issues, let alone reflect on them to write about it, we have been getting ready for school to start. Conner had the worst morning EVER on the first day of school. DH had to DRAG him out of bed, only after about 30 minutes of talking and trying to listen as well as put some motivation behind him. After dragging him out of bed, he had to force clothes on him and drag him to the car just to drive him to school and have a tough time separating from him. The very LEAST I can say is that we DIDN'T get first day of school pics. That just plain SUCKED!

I wasn't sure what to expect from him during school hours. I was silently waiting for a phone call from the school and hoping we didn't get one at the same time.

Well, he did great! He had a wonderful first day of school and he was excited to tell us when he got home how much fun he had. I can't tell you how much DH and I were overwhelmingly happy! (But still realistic).

The second day of school was a breeze to get him ready and out the door. He got ready himself and we all got out the door at a pretty decent time where we weren't late.  Although we couldn't get them to the bus-stop at the right time, the drop off at school went smooth. LARGE sigh of relief. Weight off the shoulders. Heaven on earth. We DID get pics that day.

Now we are waiting to see what happens when the new-ness wears off. Hoping it never does.

DH is on his own getting everyone out the door tomorrow. Hoping that all goes well. Gotta work. Not sure if I want to have my cell on me or not. Gulp.

My Fight

With all this counseling, reading and dealing with anxiety issues, I've come to an actualization.

I have always had anxiety. I will always have anxiety and my fight with anxiety will be parallel with Conner's throughout this journey.  I haven't been really anxious (only for a few odd occasions) since before I had Conner. I used to be on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds and therapy to deal with my anxiety as well. This isn't my actualization though.

My actualization is that with all of these moments of having to deal with Conner's anxiety, it has made me more anxious again. It weakens me. It brings all my anxiousness that has been gone for 9 years, back into me at full force. I am now back at a point where I wish I had a quick pill to bring my shaking hands, heavy breathing and anger down again. It makes me realize and relive what Conner is dealing with within his own mind and body. It also makes me realize that I don't have pills to pop and neither does Conner, so we both have to find ways of calming down without them together. It's a horrible feeling but I am determined that we will find our ways to deal with this in our own ways, together.

We had a very tough day at camp today. He has been going to this camp, that is only 3 hours long for the past couple days without problem. Today was very different.  His breaks got turned on. Dad is on vacation today and had a little talk about anxiety this morning with him. I have to wonder if this talk set this all up to happen in Conner's mind.

Don't feel like going into detail. It's just too freakin' painful. Don't want to relive it again. Sigh...

R.I.D.E.

Reading more from the book, I read about a technique that is our homework for the week. At least a week anyway. It's the R.I.D.E technique.


RIDE stands for: Release, Inspect, Don't struggle, Encourage.

Basicly, (but there IS more to it) it's:

Release - your mind to feel what your body feels at the moment of anxiety.
Inspect - how you feel... whether in your stomach, your head, your arms, anywhere and everywhere.
Don't struggle - let go of any urges to fight the feeling of anxiety. Most people try to make it stop but it brings on more anxiety. By not struggling, it allows you to be free from that.
Encourage - yourself to feel it MORE. Yes, MORE feelings.. MORE stomach pain or hand twitches. More of anything you feel when you are anxious.

The idea of this technique is to know that what you are feeling from anxiety won't hurt you, it just scares you to THINK it's going to hurt you. But it won't. Once the kids (and adults) understand that it won't get worse than what they feel at "Encourage" it will allow to just ACCEPT their feelings when they feel this way. To accept it is to be free from more anxiety from it.

This is our homework. I had an opportunity to use it today. Conner didn't want to go into the childcare for 45 minutes so I could workout. I really needed him to be there but used this moment for a teaching moment. There was no one older than 6 in the room (and most were under 3) but he wouldn't go in. He was really freaking out: clenching teeth and turning red and breathing hard.

I sat him outside of the room where it was quiet and started to explain the RIDE technique. Unfortunately, I couldn't remember what D and E actually stood for but I remembered the idea of them. Conner got most of it. He didn't like the idea of increasing the feelings though... but he promised that he would try it for 5 minutes and then I told him he could go sit in the Fitness office near me while I exercised. It worked... a little. I did my homework anyway. This is a start. This is good... I think. I hope. Yes, I AM hopeful. Reading more tonight on it and filling in more to Conner too.

Hope is so important.

Brewing Thoughts on Bad Feelings

So after reading more of The Anxiety-Free Child, I finally get to do some homework!  Finding what makes me happy and what makes me unhappy or anxious. Writing down both sides. Doing more of the good and less of what makes me feel bad.

I have realized a few things about myself... but i think that I need to focus on it a little more. You see, what makes me bad are things like kids screaming and fighting, not getting enough appreciation or attention from hubby, lack of financial ability to pay bills and the lack of alone time.

So how can I get more of these things to have to deal with them less? I can probably work on the alone time thing but how can I stop the kids from fighting? How can I get hubby to love me more in the way I need him to? (He already knows "how" I need his love... it still hasn't changed him much though.) There must be more to this... I must keep reading.

Now, they also want me to expose myself to MORE of my anxieties and fears... and grasp the feelings that it gives me. Now I have to think about my ACTUAL anxieties. According to the book, fear and anxiety are different in this way:

Fear: Something that you are currently feeling with a current situation you are in. (Looking at a lion in the face while very close).

Anxiety: Something that hasn't happened yet that you are already scared about. (Thinking about how you may see a lion at the zoo that you MAY look at in the face)

What am I anxious about? I must think deeper. I am SURE there is SOMETHING.

Must read more... while I work on free time schedule for myself.

Mother Care

What a reminder today of how these issues are not resolved. I am very disappointed in going to my work today to pick up my check and then decided to get a workout in. Conner usually does ok in the childcare now that he's gotten older. Well, he didn't do so well today.

He didn't eat a very good breakfast but he said he had when we were leaving. I had woken up late again after waking up at 4am and then going back to bed a couple hours later.

After 10 minutes of warmup, I see someone coming over to me and tells me that Conner said he's not feeling well. I KNEW that he was fine. I KNEW that he was just being anxious or was hungry.

He has clearly been crying. He tells me he didn't want to be there and that he had only eaten an apple and an Ensure drink (which doesn't seem to do too well for his stomach anyway). It took about 15 minutes to get him to finally eat some pretzels that I had brought for a snack. I also had to promise him that I would come back in 3 minutes to leave, and then he relaxed a little...

By the time I got back, about 5 minutes later,  he was totally fine playing with a friend. I will admit that I was really pissed that I couldn't get my medically-necessary exercise in because of his weird control/anxiety and stomach sensitivity issues. I had to suck it up as I am his mother after all. If I am not there for him, who will be?

BUT I am still VERY irritated and it has physically affected me for the rest of the day. I feel lousy, tired and snappy. I am trying hard not to be though.

Question today is... "How can I sacrifice MY health for his controlling anxiety issues and be o.k. with it?" I mean, I have anxiety too... but his anxiety overrules mine most of the time, in my head anyways. If I can't take care of myself, how can I take care of him correctly? BUT I didn't have much of an option since I couldn't leave a screaming 9 year old in a childcare with young children. Oh well. I WILL live through this day.