So after reading more of The Anxiety-Free Child, I finally get to do some homework! Finding what makes me happy and what makes me unhappy or anxious. Writing down both sides. Doing more of the good and less of what makes me feel bad.
I have realized a few things about myself... but i think that I need to focus on it a little more. You see, what makes me bad are things like kids screaming and fighting, not getting enough appreciation or attention from hubby, lack of financial ability to pay bills and the lack of alone time.
So how can I get more of these things to have to deal with them less? I can probably work on the alone time thing but how can I stop the kids from fighting? How can I get hubby to love me more in the way I need him to? (He already knows "how" I need his love... it still hasn't changed him much though.) There must be more to this... I must keep reading.
Now, they also want me to expose myself to MORE of my anxieties and fears... and grasp the feelings that it gives me. Now I have to think about my ACTUAL anxieties. According to the book, fear and anxiety are different in this way:
Fear: Something that you are currently feeling with a current situation you are in. (Looking at a lion in the face while very close).
Anxiety: Something that hasn't happened yet that you are already scared about. (Thinking about how you may see a lion at the zoo that you MAY look at in the face)
What am I anxious about? I must think deeper. I am SURE there is SOMETHING.
Must read more... while I work on free time schedule for myself.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
Mother Care
What a reminder today of how these issues are not resolved. I am very disappointed in going to my work today to pick up my check and then decided to get a workout in. Conner usually does ok in the childcare now that he's gotten older. Well, he didn't do so well today.
He didn't eat a very good breakfast but he said he had when we were leaving. I had woken up late again after waking up at 4am and then going back to bed a couple hours later.
After 10 minutes of warmup, I see someone coming over to me and tells me that Conner said he's not feeling well. I KNEW that he was fine. I KNEW that he was just being anxious or was hungry.
He has clearly been crying. He tells me he didn't want to be there and that he had only eaten an apple and an Ensure drink (which doesn't seem to do too well for his stomach anyway). It took about 15 minutes to get him to finally eat some pretzels that I had brought for a snack. I also had to promise him that I would come back in 3 minutes to leave, and then he relaxed a little...
By the time I got back, about 5 minutes later, he was totally fine playing with a friend. I will admit that I was really pissed that I couldn't get my medically-necessary exercise in because of his weird control/anxiety and stomach sensitivity issues. I had to suck it up as I am his mother after all. If I am not there for him, who will be?
BUT I am still VERY irritated and it has physically affected me for the rest of the day. I feel lousy, tired and snappy. I am trying hard not to be though.
Question today is... "How can I sacrifice MY health for his controlling anxiety issues and be o.k. with it?" I mean, I have anxiety too... but his anxiety overrules mine most of the time, in my head anyways. If I can't take care of myself, how can I take care of him correctly? BUT I didn't have much of an option since I couldn't leave a screaming 9 year old in a childcare with young children. Oh well. I WILL live through this day.
He didn't eat a very good breakfast but he said he had when we were leaving. I had woken up late again after waking up at 4am and then going back to bed a couple hours later.
After 10 minutes of warmup, I see someone coming over to me and tells me that Conner said he's not feeling well. I KNEW that he was fine. I KNEW that he was just being anxious or was hungry.
He has clearly been crying. He tells me he didn't want to be there and that he had only eaten an apple and an Ensure drink (which doesn't seem to do too well for his stomach anyway). It took about 15 minutes to get him to finally eat some pretzels that I had brought for a snack. I also had to promise him that I would come back in 3 minutes to leave, and then he relaxed a little...
By the time I got back, about 5 minutes later, he was totally fine playing with a friend. I will admit that I was really pissed that I couldn't get my medically-necessary exercise in because of his weird control/anxiety and stomach sensitivity issues. I had to suck it up as I am his mother after all. If I am not there for him, who will be?
BUT I am still VERY irritated and it has physically affected me for the rest of the day. I feel lousy, tired and snappy. I am trying hard not to be though.
Question today is... "How can I sacrifice MY health for his controlling anxiety issues and be o.k. with it?" I mean, I have anxiety too... but his anxiety overrules mine most of the time, in my head anyways. If I can't take care of myself, how can I take care of him correctly? BUT I didn't have much of an option since I couldn't leave a screaming 9 year old in a childcare with young children. Oh well. I WILL live through this day.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
We all have those days.
Yesterday was a very tough day. I flipped out at sister and Conner in the car. Can't handle the arguing. This made Conner flip out and start screaming that he hates himself. As he said this I responded with another scream since I am so sick of hearing it. It seems to be a type of control tactic even though I know he is basically just expressing that he is mad at himself and I am making him feel worse. I guess.
After I raised my voice about that he stopped saying it. Sure, that helped me, but did it leave his head? I don't know. He didn't seem to have the strong grimace that he usually gets when he is trying to hold in his anger/anxieties. So, I don't think I caused anything to get worse, but I don't think I helped either.
I am still reading The Anxiety-Free Child. Haven't really found out much that I don't already know. At this point, I think George has been helping more than the book. Anything helps though. Any support is good support.
After I raised my voice about that he stopped saying it. Sure, that helped me, but did it leave his head? I don't know. He didn't seem to have the strong grimace that he usually gets when he is trying to hold in his anger/anxieties. So, I don't think I caused anything to get worse, but I don't think I helped either.
I am still reading The Anxiety-Free Child. Haven't really found out much that I don't already know. At this point, I think George has been helping more than the book. Anything helps though. Any support is good support.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Feeling better... for now.
Conner seems to be feeling more relaxed. More rational. More himself.
It's tempting to think he's better. It's tempting to want to forget about reading more books, going to the therapist and worrying. I can't. I can't stop reading and trying because every once in a while he just regresses and is back where he was.
We had a great chat with George yesterday about some of the concerns that we have. His issues with leaving the house, his missing his Pepere and his concerns with travel. I think the best was the issues with leaving the house. Home is his safety net. He is feeling more comfortable at home, like we all do, but something in him jumps to think that he shouldn't leave.
George reminded him that you can't fit some fun things into your house. You can't fit the pond into the house. You can't fit a baseball diamond in the house. It really got him thinking.
The best benefit of having George say it is that it isn't us. We can say the same exact things but coming from a professional person who is NOT his parent, it puts it at a different level. He needs George. Although George seems to think that hubby and I can handle it all on our own with his help, I disagree... to a point. I think we need to do our part but I think he needs to be the one to lead with Conner.
Not many large issues this summer except for when hubby raises his voice to Conner. Hoping this summer will give Conner a chance to breath easier.
It's tempting to think he's better. It's tempting to want to forget about reading more books, going to the therapist and worrying. I can't. I can't stop reading and trying because every once in a while he just regresses and is back where he was.
We had a great chat with George yesterday about some of the concerns that we have. His issues with leaving the house, his missing his Pepere and his concerns with travel. I think the best was the issues with leaving the house. Home is his safety net. He is feeling more comfortable at home, like we all do, but something in him jumps to think that he shouldn't leave.
George reminded him that you can't fit some fun things into your house. You can't fit the pond into the house. You can't fit a baseball diamond in the house. It really got him thinking.
The best benefit of having George say it is that it isn't us. We can say the same exact things but coming from a professional person who is NOT his parent, it puts it at a different level. He needs George. Although George seems to think that hubby and I can handle it all on our own with his help, I disagree... to a point. I think we need to do our part but I think he needs to be the one to lead with Conner.
Not many large issues this summer except for when hubby raises his voice to Conner. Hoping this summer will give Conner a chance to breath easier.
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