My Fight

With all this counseling, reading and dealing with anxiety issues, I've come to an actualization.

I have always had anxiety. I will always have anxiety and my fight with anxiety will be parallel with Conner's throughout this journey.  I haven't been really anxious (only for a few odd occasions) since before I had Conner. I used to be on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds and therapy to deal with my anxiety as well. This isn't my actualization though.

My actualization is that with all of these moments of having to deal with Conner's anxiety, it has made me more anxious again. It weakens me. It brings all my anxiousness that has been gone for 9 years, back into me at full force. I am now back at a point where I wish I had a quick pill to bring my shaking hands, heavy breathing and anger down again. It makes me realize and relive what Conner is dealing with within his own mind and body. It also makes me realize that I don't have pills to pop and neither does Conner, so we both have to find ways of calming down without them together. It's a horrible feeling but I am determined that we will find our ways to deal with this in our own ways, together.

We had a very tough day at camp today. He has been going to this camp, that is only 3 hours long for the past couple days without problem. Today was very different.  His breaks got turned on. Dad is on vacation today and had a little talk about anxiety this morning with him. I have to wonder if this talk set this all up to happen in Conner's mind.

Don't feel like going into detail. It's just too freakin' painful. Don't want to relive it again. Sigh...